So, it’s no secret that baby number two is on the way. Since spontaneously deciding to post about it on my Instagram account I feel like the flood gates have opened and I can’t stop talking about it. I would apologise but I’m not sorry #sorrynotsorry it’s a huge thing that’s happening in our life at the moment and I’m going to talk about it if I want to!
Ever since we began trying (and yes, this baby was 100% planned and wished for and hoped for) I was sure that I wouldn’t be sharing about our good news (once it finally happened) until as late in the pregnancy as possible. So what changed?
Well to start off, I forgot how CRAP being pregnant makes you feel and to be honest I could have probably done with sharing it much sooner than I did. For tips, advice and support! Why do we have this convention of not sharing our news until “the worst is over”, until the risks are lower and we’ve seen the little thing wiggling about on screen? Does it make it any less painful to deal with a loss if no one knows about it? Maybe it makes it easier to “get on with our lives” but sometimes you need people to understand and cut you a bit of slack, don’t you? And even if everything is fine, the first trimester (for most people) is horrendous – you’re sick, dehydrated, tired, consumed with worry… and there are actually things people can do to help. So why don’t we share?
I shared with my family much sooner than I had anticipated but I still headed on a family trip to Center Parcs feeling like I could be sick at any moment, like my head would explode and like, quite frankly, I was on my deathbed and yet I didn’t tell them. I spent the whole time pretending I was ok and getting on with things by myself. I didn’t even have Seb there to help me out! If I’d just told them I was pregnant then and there it could have been a completely different trip! And yeah, so I wasn’t ready. But why wasn’t I ready? Part of me thinks it’s just because I liked the idea of keeping the pregnancy a secret for as long as possible. Staying in denial. Not jinxing it.
I’d always had this idea that with our next baby I would make telling people an event. I’d have a pregnancy photoshoot and create little cards to send to people close to me. I think it’s because I hardly told anyone about Saskia and I always regretted not embracing it more (I’ve talked to death about this subject over on my Instagram so I won’t bore you about it now!) I didn’t do the card thing and I told quite a few people before we even had our scan, let alone our photoshoot but bloody hell am I glad we had that shoot. Those photos will always be special to me and it was so much easier to create a little slideshow of the photos to send to our relatives than to think up the words. I’m rubbish with words, ironically.
I don’t know what’s changed in me this time around but I think I am just so determined to celebrate this pregnancy. It’s definitely my last (I can’t hack it again!) and I guess over the years I’ve learnt to live life to it’s full and not think of the “what ifs” so much. I wish I could go back in time and give pregnant-with-saskia me a big hug. I was so young and I felt so judged for every move I made. I never felt like I could embrace it fully because I never felt I’d earned that entitlement but now I know. I know there will always be people who judge you, some behind your back and some to your face, but they are not worth your time, not worth your thoughts and certainly not worth your energy. Some people are jealous, some people just love to have an opinion but they do not matter. They are not relevant at all. Everyone is on their own path and as long as that path is the right one for you then f*** the haters.
I think it’s sad that some people feel like they can’t be open about their pregnancy until they know that everything is ok (which, if you’re waiting for that point, it never comes by the way…) but I understand it. I even felt the same way. But as I said, that point of “everything being ok” never comes. Saskia’s two now and I’m still worrying! (I know that so many mummies are the same!) I don’t know what switched in me – I’m quite an all or nothing person & I just woke up on bank holiday Monday and thought “today is the day. Today is the day I fight the fear and start living my life” and I’m so glad I did. I feel so much more comfortable in myself and able to live my life with everything out in the open. I feel more able to accept my pregnancy and deal with all the thoughts and worries that accompany it. I can’t help but think that something could go wrong but I feel stronger and more able to face whatever fate is in store, knowing that I am not alone and I do not have to hide. So I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you to every single person who has taken time out of their day to congratulate us, to build me up and to help me feel so much more positive and maybe even excited for what is to come. Thank you.
Now the next big question is.. what on earth does a pregnant person wear?!
All my love,