My darling girl. There’s so much I want to say to you, so much I want to explain. Our relationship is going through a tough time at the moment – the dynamic has changed because of your brother arriving and you’re at a testing age (or maybe my patience is just thin?) I snap at you, I feel like I’m constantly cross or saying no and the time we spend together doesn’t feel so “quality” but it won’t be forever and it CERTAINLY doesn’t mean that I love you any less.
Please know that when I’m telling you to stop squashing your brother, to stop playing with him or even when I push you away, it’s not because I’m putting him above you, it’s not even because I’m protecting him (although I am) It’s because I don’t want to have to get cross with you. I don’t want to have to see how upset you are because you’ve hurt him, I know you’d be so upset. I don’t want to have to stop everything I’m doing and cradle your brother to calm him down if he’s hurt or shocked because I know that all you’d see is me turning my back on you and showering him with love. It’s not the case but I can’t expect you to understand that at the moment.
Please accept my apology for not playing with you as much as I did, not giving as much of myself to you. I know it’s been a long time since I’ve been that Mummy. I’m sorry. Believe me.
I miss being able to snuggle you to sleep. I miss our adventures together and our little chats because I’m just too tired to speak. I feel so bloody guilty but…
I also feel so bloody proud.
You have exceeded my expectations in every single way, Saskia Evangeline. You have coped with the change in a way I never expected. You love your brother so deeply, even with all the changes he’s brought. You tell me he’s your best friend, that you can’t wait to play with him and that you’re so pleased he’s here. You may steal his toys half the time but the other half you’re desperate to share. When he’s upset you give him your Peppa and Georgie or shower him with kisses because you just want to make him happy again, you sweet sweet soul. I’m sorry for ever making you feel like you’re naughty for caring about him. Your smile is contagious and lifts me up on even the gloomiest, sleep deprived days. I think you value the time that we do get together even more now, just like I do and you always seem so grateful for it. I need to learn that from you – to appreciate the moments we get rather than feel sad and guilty about the ones we don’t. The fact that you’ll happily entertain yourself for hours breaks my heart but also makes me so proud. I promise that more and more I’ll be joining your tea parties again.
I miss you, Saskia. I know you’re still here and still the same person but I miss you. In an instant, the way I see you has changed. You will always be my baby but you’re suddenly no longer a baby & that’s scary. I sometimes feel like I’m looking at you, at our relationship, through a kaleidoscope. All the pieces are there but it’s distorted, confusing. We’ll get back there, we’ll find our footing again but I would be lying if I said I’m not going to mourn these days that we’ve lost figuring it out.
I could say a thousand more things to you. I could say how I’m struggling to know how to be a good parent to you because I just want to make you happy the whole damn time but how do I do that when you’re convinced that the only way to make you happy is to have sweets for breakfast? I could say about how guilty I then feel for giving into you more than I should. I could say that it breaks my heart when you ask me not to feed your brother when he’s crying because we’re in the middle of doing something together (sometimes I really wish I didn’t have to.) I could say a thousand things.. but I’ll leave it at this.
You are amazing, my darling. You are kind, intelligent and thoughtful. You may be clumsy and a little stubborn sometimes but you are my first real, mothering love & the best thing that ever happened to me and that will never change.
I love you, my baby girl. Forever & always.